Anonymous Coward · 13d
How do i know if im communicating with another part as opposed to just thinking to myself? How do i discern them from me, or from eachother? as long as i remember myself, i've had very invasive inner monologues (dialogues?) that I struggle to control. most often these are had on the theme of my relationships with people or just how i feel in general, or simulating past/possible conversations between me and people who hurt me in one way or another. it didnt register to me, until recently, as something that isnt normal or is “other” to me because I felt the effort of my brain thinking for a response so i thought its just myself, but it would become very distressing and at one point i just started shouting things like stop or go away repeatedly in my mind until it leaves me alone. nowadays i almost always default to doing this. i dont know anything anymore. i dont know if ive ever experienced switching or headspace or any other stuff people often talk about. there were a few times where i felt like someone is using my body to talk to a family member im not really comfortable with but i don't know if it was just me feeling out of it because im not comfortable with that family member. my mind doesn't feel like a place at all and i feel like if others actually do exist after all they are hiding it all from me and wont like me or help me anymore because any time something resembling a presence comes up i cant believe it so i deny it. logically i dont want to feel like this and want to talk at least for my own good but even imagining it feels so overwhelming and scary to the point of panic.
(i'll add to this post on twitter some pages from my finding solid ground workbook that might help in addition to this answer) the distinction between “me” vs. “not me” when it comes to internal thoughts or voices is honestly... not that important. people get caught up in trying to prove something is an alter or a part before they engage with it, and that actually just makes everything harder. the real question should be: “is this communication happening? is it distressing? do i want to address it?” not “is this me or not me?”- janina fisher in the book in my pinned tweet does have some really helpful info on making the distinction, though.
if something feels like it's coming from a separate perspective, has different emotions than what you’d expect from yourself, or is acting in a way that surprises you, then it makes sense to approach it like communication from a part. but even if you decide “no, that’s just my own thoughts,” that doesn't make the experience less real or less worth addressing. writing them down might help as well - if i couldn't reasonably expect you to do long division in your head, why should you expect yourself to figure out a much more complex problem? getting it onto a page will probably help.
the fact that these dialogues cause you distress and you feel the need to push them away is important. because whether or not you call them parts, they’re still something inside you that’s trying to process things. shutting them down forcefully (which is a super common response, no shame) can actually reinforce the fear and distress around them. they might be showing up because they need something—maybe to be heard, maybe to express something you haven’t been able to consciously process yet.
and as for headspace? not necessary at all. not everyone with DID/OSDD has a visualized internal world, and not everyone has distinct experiences of switching. the fact that you don’t have an obvious headspace doesn’t mean you’re not experiencing parts—it just means that your brain doesn’t work that way.
so what do you do?
- instead of immediately rejecting these thoughts or voices, try pausing when they come up. you don’t have to accept everything they say as truth, but you can acknowledge they’re there.
- if it’s safe, you could try responding in a non-hostile way. something as simple as “i hear you” or “i don’t know how to handle this, but i want to understand” can go a long way.
- journaling might help, if that feels less scary than direct internal dialogue. you don’t have to force yourself to believe in parts, but just writing down what’s happening and how you feel about it can make things clearer over time.
- if something takes over and speaks for you, even if you’re unsure if it’s “you feeling out of it” or “someone else,” that’s still something to pay attention to. you don’t have to have a clear answer right now.
bottom line: the communication is important no matter what it is. don’t let the pressure to define it keep you from handling it in a way that helps you feel better.
i also wanted to say that some of what you're describing could also be related to OCD, especially the repetitive, intrusive nature of the thoughts and the distress they cause. OCD can create compulsive inner dialogues, including arguments, reassurance-seeking, and rehashing past conversations or future scenarios over and over. the fact that you feel the need to push the thoughts away and repeatedly tell them to stop could also be compulsions in response to distressing intrusive thoughts.
