Anonymous Coward · 12d
I'm at a difficult crossroads that I'm yet to see mentioned in any of the books that I've read through. I have come to the realization that many of the thoughts and processes that I consider foundational to my being and that I depend on daily across every area of my life are actually strange machinations of parts. Now, any time I attempt any introspection on the subject I am essentially shut out of my own brain.
Every resource I've come across seems to be centered on this idea of someone attempting to heal the interjections that hinder their otherwise perfectly functional lives. But what if you've grown with and not around them? How do I know that in the process of understanding and managing these thoughts or parts I won't disturb (or worse, destroy) the very things that I've come to rely and depend on? Bluntly, I am not confident in my ability to function or survive on my own, I'm not even sure whether there exists an 'I' beyond the amalgamation.
I went into this to hopefully better understand myself and work on the things that disrupt me, and I've come out scared of the notion of how fragile it all is and that my awareness alone can prevent things from working as intended. What now? Someone was here before, right?
I think the first step to addressing a lot of what you bring up here is to stop framing or understanding healing and recovery and the destruction of any parts at all in any way. everyone has grown with their parts. most systems are working in tandem unknown to each other years before discovery. the thing your describing is something Janina fisher mentions in the book I have in my pinned tweet - parts are often very interwoven within a systems life to the extent it is a skill that needs to be developed sometimes to untangle in order to understand yourself better.
recovery does not ask you to survive on your own. it asks you to survive with what you have inside of yourself already in healthier ways. if you're feeling shut out... why aren't you empathizing and finding ways to connect and to understand why they're shutting you out?
the goal is not to get them to conform to you or do what you say. the goal is to understand each other better and work towards something that is better for everyone involved. it's about learning to say "that must be difficult for you to deal with. I understand why you want to shut me out. is there anything I can do for you to help? can we work together a little bit?"
