yeah, me too! lol. i deleted my stuff a long time ago, so not many people know unless they're really deep diving me on the internet lol but i would definitely never go back. hockey fandom as a fannish person (engaging with fic and fanart and the like) is a much different experience than hockey fandom as a person just on the Straight White Male side of things. i would say both are toxic in their own way. SWM hockey fandom is regularly racist and misogynistic and xenophobic and just generally pretty frustrating. fannish hockey fandom is cliquey and snobbish and infuriating in its own way. it's much better participating in the fannish stuff but like, at what cost.